Stare & Wonder

 

Hi.

Being awake at this moment, staring at the ceiling and wonder. How about saving some money and work on doing what I actually love? Other than I want to be happy to go work and spent my day doing my job, I want to stop questioning myself if my source of income halal, is it okay to continue working and receive the payment while knowing how much more work I should be doing compare to what I have been doing so far, for how much longer do I have to keep doing this and to not feel guilty every time my balance account bank increase on the payday. 

Sigh.

I neither feel great or be proud of myself. 

I know it is so hard for others to be employed, I have been in their shoes. When the company decide to hire me, I am so happy and excited! I never thought I could secure the job, I am not confident with myself to begin with. As I start working, I tell myself to be a good worker, brush up some skills and benefit myself with knowledges. I do. But, I guess it runs in every company (doesn't it?). Sometimes, we have to be who we are not. In other words, we faked. It is awkward when you are the first timers. 

As days go by, it actually shape us into who we are today. The way we working. Should we be proud? Can we? It is worth it? It is something good that we want to pass to others? What our parents would feel if they happen to find it out? Then, should I just quit? Will I get hired again if I resign from my current job? It is really challenging to secure a job nowadays as pandemic disease has blown us away. 

Endless of questions keep popping in my head. Can I get through this and figure it out?

Am still wondering tho.

If I happened to figure things out, I'll update again. I will come back. I promise.

Till then, xoxo

One Step At A Time

 

Hi there, may peace be upon you.

Just a quick post, I happen to watch a TikTok video which I instantly add it to my other saved videos. I know we think alike which we thought these videos we randomly watch seem related to us and we saved them as we might be in need of them in future that whenever we go down and so on but we didn't. Trust me, it's like less than 10% that we rewatched those videos. 

Anyway, I would like to share what's in the video.

It's a slow process but,

quitting won't speed it up.

Don't give up on the person you are becoming.

The vibes and of course the motivational quotes itself hit me hard because I'm struggling to lose my weight before end of this year. InshaaAllah I have a plan which it is a big decision that I made in my life, starting early next year. Yet I keep coming back and forth, sometimes I feels like to give up. Weight loss is never easy so I have decided to take it slowly and carefully by doing little by little at a time. It consumes me years to gain weight so I can't expect to lose my weight in short period, right? I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who's struggling, I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this together. And I absolutely adore and respect many who have successfully lose their weight. You guys did great! You guys la people that inspire me a lot and I have to say that you guys being so generous by sharing tips and good knowledges all over social media. I learn a lot and it seems never to end. Thank you so much!

Hopefully I can enjoy my weight loss journey and embrace all the challenges to be who I want to be. InshaaAllah it is a better version of myself. To sum up, it's not that I don't love myself who I am now, it's just I want to love myself more and more. I believe it's what we called a selfcare and I strictly believe we deserved better. 

Last but not least, I wish you guys are in a good health. Take care of yourself and your loved one! Till we meet again.

Xoxo.

How Thoughtful He Can Be

*https://weheartit.com/entry/346687511*

It happened after one of my night shifts. I had finished my work and went home early in the morning, I usually would take a nap after work yet I had a plan to go out with him on that day because he got to go back to Selangor (he work there). I was worried that I might wake up late for our outing, I could over sleep. He told me to just take a nap and texted him when I woke up then we would decide. I went to sleep soundly thanks to him.

As soon as I woke up, I texted him. He then told me to get ready so I got dressed up accordingly and texted him back. He said he was coming for me, saying he would pick me up. I wasn't thinking, I remembered saying yes and only waited for him. After he arrived, we went to a fast food restaurant and filled up our empty stomach (even though it didn't looked as it, you know what I mean right, even if you don't that's okay) 👻. Then, we stayed at the beach until the sun almost set and he drove me home. Randomly, I asked him why he picked me up on that day. We even didn't make a plan on that.

He said, it was because of I was on my work night shift. He said, he thought I would be sleepy after staying up all night working. He thought I would be too tired to go out just to meet him after my working hours ended in the morning. He also determined to take me anywhere I want to so that I would not go there by myself, alone. He said, he wanted to keep me accompany while he was here.  

He then smiled. My heart was melting!

He's so thoughtful of me even when I don't realize he does. He's being a sweet guy when I least expected he would! He's paying a lot of attention to me when I pay less attention to myself. 💓

Things I Got from My Crush

It almost four years ago, yes it was 2015.

Life is hard, yes if it is without you

There would be someone that crossed your mind while reading this.

• Someone who isn't your blood related but act like they are. 👪
• Someone who has always been there for you, during your ups and downs. 🙌
• Someone who see all bad and good things about yourself which only yourself would know moreover if it is something bad, you would want pile them down under your bed sheet, like who else would?! 😒
• Someone who you can be yourself with, not pretending who you aren't just because you want them to like or love you. 👍
• Who even worried about you more than you can ever think of yourself because you think you are brave enough to go outside and face the world. 💪
• Someone who do lame jokes but you still cracking about it whenever you hear them. 😏
• Someone who you can sit still for hours, looking at each other face and not knowing what to do but still enjoy the awkward moments trying to get to know each other like your first met. 😜
• Someone who you would always find something new to figure it out about them. Should I call it a life long education? Lol 📜
• Someone who you even wonder how you guys can be here today stand still next to each other. 😆
• Someone who you can't afford to lose because if you are, you sure can't get another because you are kind of broke jk. 😂
• Foremost, someone who you want to spend your short life in Allah's blessing and being together till Jannah. 💖

Yes, you have survived so much. Together. 

I miss me

After a long time since I was here, I am back. I miss blogger, I miss writing about life and thoughts (even it just a few postings). Today my gut brings me here.

I just wanna share about "istiqamah". I am not a religious person, whatever I have uttered here is just my two cent. So, istiqamah is hard. It is really hard for me myself. As a human being, no lies, we absolutely want to be better day by day without looking back to what we used to and what we want to leave out in our past. Maybe something that we regret the most, that what make us open up to change ourselves. But, as we tried and we fight, sometimes we lose and it is okay. It is okay to not come back stronger each time.

But, keep going.

No matter how exhausted we are, just keep on moving. Just remember, we are not competing with ourselves but we instead wanna helping us from anything that holding us back. So, take each step and be sure of it. For me, it doesn't matter the time taken for us to move on but each step that we make everyday that what is really important. Same goes when we said we want to change, we did. The next thing is, istiqamah. 

Bad night

Hello.

When I read back what I have written in previous post, it somehow hits me hard. It is a bad night. My best friend and me had a fight and end up we hurting each other. We said something that we actually didn't mean to. We talked about leaving. 

Leaving never a happy ending for anyone. The most sad ending ever and somehow people will get hurt. Even when they try their best to not. We do feel like we can't take this anymore. We tired of our own feelings that we slowly give up on things we used to fight before. It is real. It is happening. We are just too tired for another tomorrow. 

Why do we become like this? 

Because we love too much, too hard and too deep.

We try to put a stop to this but it seems like we actually keep loving and care for each other. Love is something that we can't change into hate in a night especially when you have no intention at all to hate someone you really love. Someone who close to your heart. 

We actually want to say how much we love them, missing and want to stay with them. But instead these feelings of love, missing, wants to be with them left unsaid. We do this, especially when we are emotional, angry or just to tired to face this over and over again. I know. 

Maybe we just need to calm ourselves for us to get this thing right and just do not make a decision in a hurry. Give each other space to think and self reflect. Things gonna be okay. In shaa Allah 💪

As for me, leaving never a good decision. Especially when you actually really love them and they love you. Continue fighting for each other, it doesn't matter in friendship or in romantic relationship. As for me, just do not give up yet. I love my best friend and I do not want to lose her. 😢

Cheer up dear self.

A night thought

Hai wassssup k

This post is gonna be only a random night thought/thoughts pfttt before am going to sleep. I feel sleepy already but nah like I used to do, keep fighting back. You wouldn't want to be defeat don't chaaa lol. Okay I actually waiting for someone who is already on the way to Shah Alam. Am still waiting....k heheh

So, what I actually want to talk about is about the pain you caused and the pain you get. I just wanna say that, it sounds easy for you before it actually happens to yourself. When you're hurting, you won't feel the pain but the others did. When you got hurt, then you will understand how much the pain was. It is like the feeling is killing you slowly inside. 

It is not good ranting on social media about the other person hurting you. Yes you might feel like, "this is not fair for me" or "I want you to feel guilty for what happens to me" or "other people should know what you have done to me" kind of thing. But based on my experience, the best way is to just keep your personal things away from outsider who only await to watch your drama or sort. Not updating whatsapp status, twitter, instagram or facebook is the best way to heal yourself and kept you from keeping grudge. It has happened and let it go. It hurts, I know. You won't be able to accept it but you will soon or later. We all have hurt or be hurt by others at least once in a life. Believe me, things will get better when you learn to let it go. It is not your fault that it ends the way you never wanted it to. But remember, God has written our life in the best way as God knows us than we ever know ourselves.

Or maybe you both did feel the same pain? As we will never know how's the other person doing and feel about it. They could be in the same page like you, regretting, crying and wanting to fix all back. But...there are things that better to put an end to. If they are fated to be with you, after a long lost they will come back and you could start things over together, wise and lots of understanding. Life is about acceptance and how we react to surroundings. We must know that life is also a "give and take" matter. We need to let things go in order to let ourselves grow and be stronger. The pain could destroy or it could turn you into a better person. It is your choice. 

After a while, let me putting an end to this. I have got the messages already heheh . Kayy chauu

Sobbing like tsk tsk

Background music // Complicated - Avril Lavigne

Langit tak selalunya cerah. Macam harini, mendung je. Seakan memahami kalau cuti semester dah nak sampai ke penghujung. 😢😢😢😢😢 

It is only 4 days less to be away from home and I am absolutely do not ready for this yet. Upcoming semester must be a little hard since I am in my third year degree. Final Year Project and Industry Training await, also need to play part in Red Crescent Association (UiTM Shah Alam) as pegawai latihan (peringkat cabang) which I have to work with BSMM instructors, monitoring discipline of the members from part 1 until part 5, am in charge in every co-curricular class and plan ahead of what need to do when things do not go right lol. However, this semester would also be my last semester to be the pegawai latihan since the time of period is only one year. I have already did the half part last semester. In the next election which will be held next year, I am in my last semester so I could not part take anymore. Kasi can lah dekat junior junior heheheh

I feel excited (kot) and sad at the same time. I really need to get myself straight and be prepared. 😩 I will be missing home uhuk like really miss. I never thought time will fly this fast, leaving me sobbing and meratapi hari-hari like orang putus cinta dan heart broken. K I gerak luh and cry. Chau

Bahagia.

Definisi bahagia itu adalah apabila kau ikhlas.

Kau ikhlas  luangkan masa kau.

Kau ikhlas bersusah payah.

Kau ikhlas berhabis duit.

Semata. Untuk tengok senyuman kebahagiaan, bahagia kerana kau. 

Aku belajar, kalau kau inginkan kebahagiaan.

Gembirakan orang.

Ibu bapa, teman-teman.

Mungkin, pasangan.

Kerana bila mereka bahagia, kau akan bahagia.

Let's love, spread love.